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When a chance encounter brings the bookish Literature Major Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) into the world of a young, handsome, and tormented billionaire named Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), their respective universe’s are both in danger of colliding– a cataclysmic sexual awakening the result, oh the ties that bind. Based on the widely popular and controversial novel by E.L. James and Directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson, the year’s most talked about film is already poised to be a monster hit at the box office regardless of critical review or not, but let’s not let that stand in the way of a discussion eh? With more lip biting and phallic pencil chewing (ooh I get it “symbolism”), let the record stand, what may come across as taboo and steamy to some actually reads as described in Smithsonian Magazine (Feb. 2015) as a “nursery book” in comparison to the writings of the Marquis de Sade some 200 years ago. So, sexual under and overtones being milked again for the sake of entertainment, okay, why not, just realize, this is soft-core porn at best and any 13 year old with a computer has already witnessed more graphic material. That aside, the acting, how’s that? A believable performance from Johnson actually does manage to breathe some life into the skin of Anastasia Steele; however, Dornan’s performance as Grey comes across wooden (pardon the pun), robotic, and frankly, boring. Meanwhile, you’d think that the billionaire who has apparently mastered Japanese Kinbaku (rope bondage) and its appropriate knots would be able to tie his own necktie squarely, after all, proper care of one’s neckwear ensures years of wear and provides for years of enjoyment, ho hum. So, despite the salacious nature and all the build up, a solid shoulder shrug seems to be the result. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, yeah, there are two more books, so yep you guessed it, looks like we’re in store for at least a sequel if not a trilogy– again, how original. Not a total train wreck, but headed in that direction, I’m thinking rental later. Fifty Shades of Grey is rated R (of course).

Recruited by a secret spy service known as the Kingsman, a rough and tumble chap from London by the name of Eggsy (Taron Egerton) is indoctrinated into the world of espionage and counterintelligence. Meanwhile, media mogul Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson) has adopted an eccentric approach to save the planet, an approach with the possibility of leveling humanity. Guided by his mentor, Galahad (Colin Firth), Eggsy’s first mission will cross paths with Valentine; saving humanity and stopping Valentine will be no easy task, especially with the lovely and lethal Gazelle (Sofia Boutella) on the loose. Will Eggsy ever take a seat at the table with the Kingsman after all? Directed by Matthew Vaughn (X-Men: First Class, Kick-Ass, The Layer Cake), another precious superhero/spy gem has been mined and refined brining a witty Cockney brogue, proper etiquette, spy technology of James Bond lore, and full on action to the silver screen in a respectable manner; that is to say, adventure in a three piece suit hasn’t looked this good in ages. Heavy weight acting all round keeps the impossible entertaining; and, despite the less polished CGI and a slightly drawn out runtime, fun is still to be had. Worthy of your time this weekend, and heck, with a bad guy named Valentine what a way to go? Kingsman: The Secret Service is rated R.

Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges), a local tender of the supernatural and dark arts known as a “Spook” is faced with the difficult task of finding an apprentice to study under his watch. But, peasant boy, Tom Ward (Ben Barnes) fits the requirements aptly, and just in time considering that the powerful Queen witch, Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore), has risen from her prison with revenge in her heart and a score to settle with Gregory. All have their secrets, some are darker than others, who will survive, how will Tom fare, and what of this possible love interest, Alice (Alicia Vikander)? Fantasy fiction on a larger budget, this staff wielding, sword swinging, dragon slaying, and witch burning romp can hardly be taken seriously, Bridges in particular seems to be an amalgamation of previous performances, The Dude and Rooster Cogburn come to mind; but mind you, this isn’t a bad thing, in fact it’s kind of endearing and chuckle inducing in a number of instances. Meanwhile, Moore is right at home with this easy performance as the scorned woman. From a screenplay standpoint, there isn’t really freshly mined territory here but that hardly seems to matter; it’s all about goofy spook slaying, some badass monsters, and mindless entertainment. Matinee or rental, your choice shooter, Seventh Son is rated PG-13.