The Great Wall

Two european mercenaries (Matt Damon, Pedro Pascal) in search of black powder navigate across the continent to the great wall of China only to find themselves embroiled in a centuries old battle between prehistoric space beasts and mankind. Learning the secrets of the Chinese nameless order will have to take a back seat while survival is more important. But the lessons imparted by Generals, Commanders and Strategists (Hanyu Zhang, Tian Jing, Andy Lau) will prove valuable none the less, what other stories might the great wall hold? Directed by Yimou Zhang and written by Carlo Bernard, Doug Miro and Tony Gilroy this Chinese biblical spectacular-esque cultural clash between East and West offers visually interesting cinematography and choreography amidst one of the clunkiest scripts to grace theaters at a production cost upwards of 150 million dollars. Strained and stale dialogue is further pained by an emotionless and impossibly boring setup leaving nothing new to the imagination. In many ways it’s almost as though Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were discussing how they could crush the hearts of film goers. Affleck saying, hey Matt, so I think I’m gonna play Batman in this upcoming Superman v. Batman film, that’ll merge two potentially great worlds and blow people’s minds, surely this won’t be a turd, I dare you to top it. Damon replying, dude, hold my drink…. By the way Willem Dafoe is in this for some reason. Seriously, running an hour and forty three minutes that feel like an eternity with washed up CGI that further sullies the picture; producers should be braced for a U.S. failure but perhaps a major blowout overseas. Pass. The Great Wall is rated PG-13.